I think I’ve known for awhile I am completely over medicated. I take way to many meds compared to all the other bipolar people I talk to.

So it’s time for a change. I’ve changed my psychiatrist for one. I’m not a big fan of my current psychiatrist. She does listen but then doesn’t listen. And she is the one that just kept pushing more meds on me. The bad thing about these kind of meds is you can’t just stop them. And it’s pretty hard to wean off of them because there are so many. So that leaves me with a medical withdraw. That entails having my new psychiatrist admitting me into the hospital for around 5 days to get me off all the meds I need to get off in a safe environment.

I’m really looking at it as a reboot. I’m hoping to get off the Ambien for sleeping and Klonazapam for anxiety attacks. Then there’s all the mood stabilizers and anti psychotics. So many bipolar people go off their meds on their own and end up in the hospital. Because like I said you can’t just go cold Turkey with your meds. It’s unhealthy and medically dangerous. So in no way shape or form should you try to go off your meds on your own. The depression that comes with withdrawal is so intense many people end up taking their lives because it goes straight to the spot where your soul is. It overwhelms your heart and soul to places you can’t come back from. I know this from stopping meds in the past cold turkey. It was a total nightmare. It’s someplace you never want to be. Even if you are not bipolar and are just taking a med for anxiety or depression it’s the same. You cannot just stop those cold turkey either. You have to wean off those. Which when it’s just one med it is much more realistic. Tapering off is much simpler.

I have 10 meds that I am on. Which is absolutely ridiculous. I have a lot of bipolar people that I talk to and nobody I know is on as many meds as me. I am so glad my eyes were opened to this. My bipolar isn’t so out of control that I should be this medicated. Yes I have had some pretty high manic episodes but still, when I went to treatment they didn’t put me on all these meds. So what does that say? Exactly.

So the next time you hear from me I will be far less medicated and hopefully my health starts to improve! Because I am having physical medical issues because of these meds. Weight gain, swelling in my feet and ankles, stomach issues, acid reflux, dry mouth (which is totally bad for your teeth) shakes & tremors and so many more things. I ask that you say a prayer for me or wish me luck as I endeavor this next journey. And as always thank you for following my blog!

I feel like I have told my story and there isn’t much more to talk about. But there is. Everyday is different. Most days I wake up and would be perfectly content on just staying in bed. But I know that’s not an option. I know I have to get up and start my day.

I’m in the process of doing medication changes and it’s taking it’s toll on me. I’ve been riding the ebb flow for awhile. Meaning I’m in my low bipolar. I’m not depressed, just feeling a bit hopeless. I can’t really find the motivation I once had which leads me to feeling sorry for myself and wondering when will I ever just feel normal! But then being Bipolar 1 doesn’t come with a “normal” stamp. It’s always fluctuating. And the weight that I’ve gained makes me insecure and blue. That is one of the most common side effects of bipolar medication is weight gain. But this is just out of control. And then you stack no motivation, no get up and go to it and you really fall into it.

There are so many days I just want to stop all my meds and reboot. But I know that is never going to be an option. It’s just something you have to come to terms with when you are bipolar. It’s much better to be on meds and in control rather than not be on meds and having manic episodes. Manic episodes for me are bad! Really bad. Which they pretty much are for all bipolar people. But many get a euphoric high when they are manic. But that leads to gambling, high dollar spending sprees, promiscuity, cheating and so on.

I was manic for months before I moved to Kansas and had no idea. But my behavior was very off. I was constantly needing to be in control of every aspect of my life. I had high expectations for everyone in my life. And if they didn’t meet those, they were greeted with a terrible tongue lashing. I expected people to feel sorry for me because I didn’t mean to say hurtful things. I would always apologize profusely. And expect that they accept it and when they didn’t it only furthered my anger or I would get depressed. That was just riding the high flow. Not totally manic but just enough to have me in a bad place for months. Then it slowly got worse and worse. Until the mania did rear it’s ugly head here and there.

So I guess what I’m saying is, yes I know whole heartily that I need to be on my regiment of meds and supplements. I’m just having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that it is a permanent part of the rest of my life. Which includes all the side effects of these meds. Seeing my psychiatrist once a month and my primary care every six months to check all my blood levels to make sure my liver, kidneys and so on are functioning correctly because again… side effects.

I realize this was definitely not my finest blog nor a positive one. But that’s the point of this blog. To be totally transparent and real. I don’t need to impress anyone, I don’t want anyone’s pity or to feel sorry for me. I just want to be real. I’m not good at keeping my life a secret. I feel secrets only add to the stress in our lives. That’s one thing I have definitely learned by going to therapy is let that shit out! Purge! I am completely unable to hold things in. It gives me anxiety, stomach issues, headaches and so on. But I’ve always been like that. My problem was I was purging and blurting about things that were only hurting those around me and there was no need to say things I would say. So I have FINALLY really learned “if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all!” It only took 45 years! But… in my defense, no one ever explained to me how bipolar works. I had to learn it from going to treatment, therapy and just working on myself. But never fear Aundrea’s still here. I may look different and I may act different but I still wear my heart on my sleeve, would give the shirt off my back and if you ask for my opinion be prepared to get the truth (just with much more kooth).

I sincerely appreciate those of you that follow me. I hope it makes a difference.

Any kind of addiction or abuse is an attempt to outrun the darkness inside of you. That may sound counterintuitive but it’s the truth. Nobody’s life …

In Command of the Darkness

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. It covers the whole spectrum of mental health. Anxiety, Depression, Bipolar, ADD, Personality Disorder, Schizophrenia, Eating Disorders and Substance Abuse which is usually caused from mental health.

Self medicating is the leading cause of substance abuse. Mental health and abusing substances is a vicious circle. One that is almost impossible to get off. The hard part is realizing you have a problem and getting help. Nobody can force you to get help. If it doesn’t come from you then it will never work. But if you can find the strength to get clean from whatever substance it is, you can then get on the road to mental health recovery.

A little bit about Mental Health Month. It was actually created in 1949! 73 years ago someone decided to make May a month for Mental Health. I can only imagine how that went over. I mean it’s 2022 and mental health is still taboo to so many. So imagine every May trying to make it known to people who would turn a cheek because you just didn’t talk about those things. Hell, I guarantee most the people I know don’t even know that May is mental health awareness month.

After 73 years we are still so far behind. NAMI-National Alliance of Mental Illness is one of the biggest organizations for mental health and I didn’t know about them until probably 5 years ago. It is so important to end the stigma or taboo of mental health.

1 in 5 adults have some sort of mental illness. That means everyone who reads this either has a mental illness or knows someone with a mental illness. Stand up for yourself or a loved one! Become more educated. Support NAMI by donating your time or money. Or look into your local county mental health facility to see how you can help. Let’s not let another 73 years go by and mental health is still not on the front lines.

I’m not telling you who to vote for but look into the candidates and see if they support mental health. And if they don’t, write to them and tell them to get on board! We need our politicians to be just as involved with mental health as they are on silly bills that are a waste of time.

Please like or share this blog. The whole reason I write this blog is to reach people that need to help. So I ask you to please, please, please share my blogs. Especially this one. Thank you for all the support!

Stigmatism’s are a hot topic for me. I’m talking about the way that people, especially those with mental health issues look at mental health and medications. Now I’m not saying we haven’t come along way and we continue to get better everyday with mental health treatment, but it still has far to go.

Nothing really lights my fire more than when someone who clearly has mental health issues and they refuse to seek treatment or meds. Like I say all the time and so do others, “if you had diabetes, a heart condition or osteoporosis you wouldn’t not seek treatment and be on meds! So why is your brain any different?” “It’s not!”

So there is the situational depression or anxiety that doctors will treat and you can go off after a period of time. But that is not even close to medically diagnosed depression or anxiety. For which those you will need med maintenance for the rest of your life. The chemicals and wiring in your brain cannot function without them.

I have been on some sort of anti depressant for more than half my life. I knew as a young child something wasn’t right with me. I would cry for no apparent reason and make up stories for my parents as to why I was crying. It wasn’t until after my children that I couldn’t get a grasp on my depression and I started my path down the anti depressant highway. For years and years I tried so many different kinds until finally in my 30’s I hit the hammer on the nail. Now during my 20’s is when I was diagnosed with bipolar with deep depression. The bipolar never seemed like an issue to me so I didn’t get treatment for that. But now knowing what I know… my bipolar surfaced in high school all the way to the present. I just wasn’t educated enough in my 20’s to know what bipolar looked like. And the treatment facility that gave me the diagnosis really treated me more for the depression because I was suicidal.

I think I’ve said before I’m on a slew of medications and vitamins. And I don’t plan on going off of them ever. I may or may not be able to cut back on one or two as I get older but as of right now, I’ve come to terms that a giant pill box is my life. I don’t like feeling helpless, hopeless, angry, hostile and so on. I don’t want for my family and friends to have to suffer because I’m an out of control person. It’s not fair to me or them for me to not take my meds and not go to my treatments. Not being proactive with your mental health is SO unhealthy.

It’s OK! To take meds to feel better. Yes it may take years before you find the right med or meds for you but you can never give up! And let me tell you, the more people I meet and I share my story with the more people I realize are medicated. Now not everyone is as open as me. I let everything hang out. Because my purpose is to help as many people as I can to get better. And not be ashamed of your mental health. If I can get on here sporadically and share everything than you can take some meds and talk to a therapist.

Challenge yourself to be the best version of yourself that you can be! There is no sense in living your life on a rollercoaster of emotions. And there’s no sense in punishing those that love you. “Will she try to take her life tonight?” “Will she go left field on me by yelling and screaming at me for no reason?” I lived that life for a looooong looooong time. And it was no picnic. But realizing I had a big problem and that I needed some serious help was the best thing I ever did for myself and my loved ones.

So the next time you want to say “I don’t want to be on medication for the rest of my life.” You may want to dig deep and realize that you’re missing out on a truly wonderful life. You deserve to be happy! Everyone does. Just because your brain got the short end of the stick doesn’t mean it can’t be fixed. No more excuses! Start today.

I know I touched on loved ones that live with someone who is bipolar but I’d like to go back to it a little bit.

When you have been living with someone who is bipolar for as long as my loved ones, it’s very easy to go right back to your old responses (the before bipolar diagnosis) when they have an episode. Now I know how nasty and horrible I can be when I have just a minor episode so I understand why my loved ones may jump to the defense. But you can’t. BP ( bipolar people) don’t understand reasoning or worse, feeling attacked while having an episode. Now you’re probably saying “why do I have to change?” Well because if you truly love and care about this person with bipolar than you will make every effort to make things go more smoothly. And with that may come counseling, therapy or group meetings. Maybe even friends or family can help you cope. You need an outlet. It’s not fair for you to sit on the bench by yourself.

I do want to ask you to stop and think about your BP. Are they going to a psychiatrist to get all the right meds? Are they going to therapy every week or every other week? Are they working hard to be the best version of themselves? If you answer yes to these questions then you as well should be seeking outside help. It’s not fair to either of you to just fly by the seat of your pants.

I do my best to keep a lid on my disease. But every once in awhile things do set me off and we’re off to the races! Put someone like me in a very stressful situation that would test even the most patient person and your bound to get a reaction. Now I have gotten to the point that I for the most part can keep myself from going full on manic even though every inch of my being wants to go full on Charlie Sheen. “Where’s my tiger blood!?” Haha! So when A BP is like this the loved ones, no matter who they may be have got to have their own set of tools. This is so you can protect yourself and the BP. You are in control the BP isn’t and they are in fight or flight mode. So the simplest phrase you make may only make things worse. Now I am not saying in any way shape or form do you bow down to the manic/mood swing person but being prepared for when even small episodes occur can help things run just a little more smoothly.

Here are some tips: Talk to the person with no anger or aggression. If they don’t want to talk then go about your business calmly without disturbing the BP. But also be there if they do need your help. They, we, I are probably scrounging around feverishly in our tool box to try and get a handle on ourselves. And that can be very scary. You the loved one are probably on pins and needles wondering is she gonna lose her shit and go full on manic? Most likely if the BP is doing everything I mentioned above then the answer is no. Medication and therapy and possibly in patient can really, truly be the difference between full blown manic to just an ebb in the flow.

I wrote this blog for the loved ones of BP’s. This is a life long illness that can only get better if you and your loved ones work as a team. You both want to get a win and not a loss because of a mood swing. You’re on the same team. Don’t ever take a BP’s words or actions personally when they are manic or just having a high. We don’t mean it. If you really know me or someone else that has BPD you know we would never ever purposely want to hurt anyone. That is partially why the deep depression comes after a mania. The utter guilt eats at you like you are the devil. I can’t tell you how many apologies I’ve made in my lifetime. But I know it’s way more than I can count. Which brings me to that part. When the BP is in that depression or just guilty place, you have to give them a break. Be supportive even though you would rather give them a tongue lashing. We are wallowing in our own self pity. We loathe ourselves for our behavior and the last thing we need is to have it rubbed in our face. I’ll say it again BP have NO control over their brain when it comes to this disorder. We do have a conscious though and will do our best to make things better.

I really hope this reaches those of you out there that have a BP in your life. It’s like any other disease. You wouldn’t abandon your loved one because they have heart disease or diabetes. Mental health is just as bad if not worse in some cases. It MUST be treated as if it was like Cancer or any other disease. Only then can we start to get a grasp on the debilitating mental health community.

To all my bipolar beauties, please feel free to pass this along to your loved ones. Until next time, keep trucking!

You HAVE Bipolar Disorder You’re NOT Bipolar

Your disorder doesn’t define who you are as a person. It is a disorder you have that you can most likely control with the right meds and your team. Remember our team is a mix of a Psychologist, Therapist, Family Physician and loved ones. These are the people you will come to rely on very heavily. But it also includes you doing what you need to and remembering this has already most likely taken a toll on your loved ones. So we must be careful to work hard to not have to lean on them for too long. It is our responsibility to get better not only for ourselves but for our family and friends as well.

Getting the diagnosis that I had Bipolar was very overwhelming, and very scary. It’s not like we learned about mental health in school. So of course if you’re like me you automatically go to the internet. Which wasn’t a bad thing for me. I learned that a lot of the things I had been going through made sense. I wasn’t a total nightmare on purpose. But then my brain also automatically went to “Why! How is this happening to me? What does it mean for me? What will people think? Is it curable? Do I HAVE to take all these meds? Now granted I say “all these meds” because as I’ve said I also suffer from deep depression, anxiety, ADD and peri menopause. So in my case, yes I do have to take all these meds.

Now I went to residential treatment and I learned a lot about my disorders and was started on new meds. I have always been on anti depressents, and off and on ADD meds. One thing I will say about my meds is it changes. You have to learn quite quickly to advocate for yourself. I have been advocating for myself for years that I am a pro at telling my doctors what I think is working and what is not. So there is always tweaking going on with my meds. Plus I see three different doctors for my meds and slew of vitamins. My primary care for my vitamins mixing with my meds and to do routine blood work to make sure my meds aren’t doing any damage. Then My Psychiatrist for all my mood stabilizers and finally my gynecologist for my hormone replacement. Peri Menopause kicked my Bipolar into high gear. My hormones and brain chemicals clashed like fire and ice. It sent me for a whirlwind. Speaking of that time when that was happening, I wasn’t aware what I was going through. Just that I was slowly going bat shit crazy. I did things that I don’t even remember doing. I completely blocked them out until my kids or husband told me things I had done in the past. But I full on remember what got me put into treatment January 2020. It was days of rage, anger, destruction and plain old nastiness. The straw that broke the camels back was when my Christmas tree that I spend hours among hours decorating and take so much pride in was the target of my rage. I started throwing anything I could reach and full force throwing it at my tree. Ornaments were crashing down and breaking so was the stuff I was throwing. Then when my husband tried to get a handle on me, I turned on him. My husband is not a small guy and is one of the strongest guys I know. But whenever I have been in mania I always think I can take him. What really ends up happening is I hurt myself because he just tries to stop me. For along time when I would try to take my husband on he would get defensive and fight right back with me. But I was also a great gaslighter. I have been a gaslighter my whole life. Gaslighting (the short version) is being very aggressive towards someone and are manipulating and doing things to get the other person to question their own reality of the situation. And so when the innocent party comes at the manic person it just furthers the rage. Now of course we had no idea all these years that was the problem. But once we learned about it and he understood I was not doing these things on purpose, he has been 100% different when I start to get upset about something. But I also let him know when I’m not myself. I tell him “Im not doing well, Im not in a good space.” Its crucial that I tell him this so he knows if I try to pick a fight or gaslight or I get upset (depressed) about anything and everything that Im in a higher or lower mood. Im not even or on a straight line.

Every person is different like anything. So the stuff I just talked about may not relate to you at all. But I guarantee if you are Bipolar you have had many of those symptoms of being on a Mania high or a deep depression. But if you are seeking the help I talked about then those highs and lows are sooooo much less extreme.

Thank you for following my blog. I truly am putting myself out there for others to feel they are not alone or that there is light at the end of the tunnel. My goal is to publish every week. I repeat “my goal!” is to post weekly. I have a very forgetful mind so there’s that….. lol.

Until next week. Stay level and if you dip or have a bump seek solace in whatever you can.

Bipolar Beauties