Bipolar… ugh…

I feel like I have told my story and there isn’t much more to talk about. But there is. Everyday is different. Most days I wake up and would be perfectly content on just staying in bed. But I know that’s not an option. I know I have to get up and start my day.

I’m in the process of doing medication changes and it’s taking it’s toll on me. I’ve been riding the ebb flow for awhile. Meaning I’m in my low bipolar. I’m not depressed, just feeling a bit hopeless. I can’t really find the motivation I once had which leads me to feeling sorry for myself and wondering when will I ever just feel normal! But then being Bipolar 1 doesn’t come with a “normal” stamp. It’s always fluctuating. And the weight that I’ve gained makes me insecure and blue. That is one of the most common side effects of bipolar medication is weight gain. But this is just out of control. And then you stack no motivation, no get up and go to it and you really fall into it.

There are so many days I just want to stop all my meds and reboot. But I know that is never going to be an option. It’s just something you have to come to terms with when you are bipolar. It’s much better to be on meds and in control rather than not be on meds and having manic episodes. Manic episodes for me are bad! Really bad. Which they pretty much are for all bipolar people. But many get a euphoric high when they are manic. But that leads to gambling, high dollar spending sprees, promiscuity, cheating and so on.

I was manic for months before I moved to Kansas and had no idea. But my behavior was very off. I was constantly needing to be in control of every aspect of my life. I had high expectations for everyone in my life. And if they didn’t meet those, they were greeted with a terrible tongue lashing. I expected people to feel sorry for me because I didn’t mean to say hurtful things. I would always apologize profusely. And expect that they accept it and when they didn’t it only furthered my anger or I would get depressed. That was just riding the high flow. Not totally manic but just enough to have me in a bad place for months. Then it slowly got worse and worse. Until the mania did rear it’s ugly head here and there.

So I guess what I’m saying is, yes I know whole heartily that I need to be on my regiment of meds and supplements. I’m just having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that it is a permanent part of the rest of my life. Which includes all the side effects of these meds. Seeing my psychiatrist once a month and my primary care every six months to check all my blood levels to make sure my liver, kidneys and so on are functioning correctly because again… side effects.

I realize this was definitely not my finest blog nor a positive one. But that’s the point of this blog. To be totally transparent and real. I don’t need to impress anyone, I don’t want anyone’s pity or to feel sorry for me. I just want to be real. I’m not good at keeping my life a secret. I feel secrets only add to the stress in our lives. That’s one thing I have definitely learned by going to therapy is let that shit out! Purge! I am completely unable to hold things in. It gives me anxiety, stomach issues, headaches and so on. But I’ve always been like that. My problem was I was purging and blurting about things that were only hurting those around me and there was no need to say things I would say. So I have FINALLY really learned “if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all!” It only took 45 years! But… in my defense, no one ever explained to me how bipolar works. I had to learn it from going to treatment, therapy and just working on myself. But never fear Aundrea’s still here. I may look different and I may act different but I still wear my heart on my sleeve, would give the shirt off my back and if you ask for my opinion be prepared to get the truth (just with much more kooth).

I sincerely appreciate those of you that follow me. I hope it makes a difference.

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