What does it all mean?

You HAVE Bipolar Disorder You’re NOT Bipolar

Your disorder doesn’t define who you are as a person. It is a disorder you have that you can most likely control with the right meds and your team. Remember our team is a mix of a Psychologist, Therapist, Family Physician and loved ones. These are the people you will come to rely on very heavily. But it also includes you doing what you need to and remembering this has already most likely taken a toll on your loved ones. So we must be careful to work hard to not have to lean on them for too long. It is our responsibility to get better not only for ourselves but for our family and friends as well.

Getting the diagnosis that I had Bipolar was very overwhelming, and very scary. It’s not like we learned about mental health in school. So of course if you’re like me you automatically go to the internet. Which wasn’t a bad thing for me. I learned that a lot of the things I had been going through made sense. I wasn’t a total nightmare on purpose. But then my brain also automatically went to “Why! How is this happening to me? What does it mean for me? What will people think? Is it curable? Do I HAVE to take all these meds? Now granted I say “all these meds” because as I’ve said I also suffer from deep depression, anxiety, ADD and peri menopause. So in my case, yes I do have to take all these meds.

Now I went to residential treatment and I learned a lot about my disorders and was started on new meds. I have always been on anti depressents, and off and on ADD meds. One thing I will say about my meds is it changes. You have to learn quite quickly to advocate for yourself. I have been advocating for myself for years that I am a pro at telling my doctors what I think is working and what is not. So there is always tweaking going on with my meds. Plus I see three different doctors for my meds and slew of vitamins. My primary care for my vitamins mixing with my meds and to do routine blood work to make sure my meds aren’t doing any damage. Then My Psychiatrist for all my mood stabilizers and finally my gynecologist for my hormone replacement. Peri Menopause kicked my Bipolar into high gear. My hormones and brain chemicals clashed like fire and ice. It sent me for a whirlwind. Speaking of that time when that was happening, I wasn’t aware what I was going through. Just that I was slowly going bat shit crazy. I did things that I don’t even remember doing. I completely blocked them out until my kids or husband told me things I had done in the past. But I full on remember what got me put into treatment January 2020. It was days of rage, anger, destruction and plain old nastiness. The straw that broke the camels back was when my Christmas tree that I spend hours among hours decorating and take so much pride in was the target of my rage. I started throwing anything I could reach and full force throwing it at my tree. Ornaments were crashing down and breaking so was the stuff I was throwing. Then when my husband tried to get a handle on me, I turned on him. My husband is not a small guy and is one of the strongest guys I know. But whenever I have been in mania I always think I can take him. What really ends up happening is I hurt myself because he just tries to stop me. For along time when I would try to take my husband on he would get defensive and fight right back with me. But I was also a great gaslighter. I have been a gaslighter my whole life. Gaslighting (the short version) is being very aggressive towards someone and are manipulating and doing things to get the other person to question their own reality of the situation. And so when the innocent party comes at the manic person it just furthers the rage. Now of course we had no idea all these years that was the problem. But once we learned about it and he understood I was not doing these things on purpose, he has been 100% different when I start to get upset about something. But I also let him know when I’m not myself. I tell him “Im not doing well, Im not in a good space.” Its crucial that I tell him this so he knows if I try to pick a fight or gaslight or I get upset (depressed) about anything and everything that Im in a higher or lower mood. Im not even or on a straight line.

Every person is different like anything. So the stuff I just talked about may not relate to you at all. But I guarantee if you are Bipolar you have had many of those symptoms of being on a Mania high or a deep depression. But if you are seeking the help I talked about then those highs and lows are sooooo much less extreme.

Thank you for following my blog. I truly am putting myself out there for others to feel they are not alone or that there is light at the end of the tunnel. My goal is to publish every week. I repeat “my goal!” is to post weekly. I have a very forgetful mind so there’s that….. lol.

Until next week. Stay level and if you dip or have a bump seek solace in whatever you can.

Bipolar Beauties

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