It has been a while since I blogged but I have been on what I like to call “the struggle bus” I always say “I’m the captain of the bus.” I’m sure many of you feel the same way at some time.
Charting the ship of the Bipolar Depression can be absolutely the roughest waters ever. With gale winds that make you want to give into the ocean and let it take you away. That is how I’ve felt in the previous weeks going off some of my meds. You don’t realize that weaning off mental meds is harder than you think. I was so depressed at one point I almost checked myself into the hospital. It was horrific.
I’m still struggling a little bit but nothing like it was. I had to use the tools I had to mentally get through and I am still using them. My therapist had me make a list of all the good things in my life and I keep it out so I can refer to it all the time. I also have to tell myself if I could make it through the things I did as a child then I should be able to whip this ass. I also pray, pray a lot. Some of you may not believe in prayer or God, but I wholeheartedly believe he is right by my side. Walking with me and even sometimes carrying me.
I am still weaning off meds so it may get hard again but I will pray hard that it goes smoothly. I was on so many meds that my new psychiatrist was blown away. It’s the whole reason I left my previous psychiatrist. I knew I was on way to many meds. The side effects were effecting my health. One of the main things that has not helped my depression and has given me huge insecurities is my huge weight gain. I have put on so much weight that I avoid going home (different state) to where my friends and family are because I am so embarrassed. I have never been a “fat” person. There were times that I would get a little overweight and I would say “nope” and I would do what I had to to lose the weight. Well now it’s next to impossible to lose weight. The cravings of sweets is out of control. It’s one of the reasons many bipolar people end up with diabetes.
I have started seeing a doctor who specializes in the whole body. I have had a number of tests done to find out what is going on inside my body and also if I’m absorbing all the vitamins that I take. It is in away a little like eastern medicine but not. Hard to explain. So I’m patiently waiting for all my results to come back.
I guess what I’m getting at is to make sure you are being an active advocate when it comes to your meds and health. Don’t do what I did and just let my old psychiatrist keep throwing more meds at me. Until I realized “wow! This just isn’t right.” She also was only spending maybe 5 minutes with me. My new psychiatrist which was highly recommended will spend at least 15 to 20 minutes with me. I have never had a psychiatrist spend so much time with me. I was shocked! So step up and if you feel like your not getting the right help you need then make changes. Nobody knows you better than you. Go with your gut it usually steers you in the right direction.
I really hope that this blog has helped some of you. It’s the whole reason o write these blogs. To help you navigate bipolar depression. And to help me write about my struggles.